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Changes: Victor Van Dort

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{{Infobox Character
  
{{Infobox Character
−
| name=Victor Van Dort
 +
| name=Written by
  +
  +
William Steig & Ted Elliott
  +
  +
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Once upon a time there was a lovely
  +
princess. But she had an enchantment
  +
upon her of a fearful sort which could
  +
only be broken by love's first kiss.
  +
She was locked away in a castle guarded
  +
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
  +
Many brave knights had attempted to
  +
free her from this dreadful prison,
  +
but non prevailed. She waited in the
  +
dragon's keep in the highest room of
  +
the tallest tower for her true love
  +
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
  +
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
  +
a load of - (toilet flush)
  +
  +
Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
  +
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
  +
after the ogre.
  +
  +
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
  +
  +
MAN1
  +
Think it's in there?
  +
  +
MAN2
  +
All right. Let's get it!
  +
  +
MAN1
  +
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
  +
thing can do to you?
  +
  +
MAN3
  +
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
  +
bread.
  +
  +
Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
  +
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
  +
They'll make a suit from your freshly
  +
peeled skin.
  +
  +
MEN
  +
No!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
  +
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
  +
quite good on toast.
  +
  +
MAN1
  +
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
  +
(waves the torch at Shrek.)
  +
  +
Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
  +
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
  +
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
  +
men are in the dark.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
This is the part where you run away.
  +
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
  +
And stay out! (looks down and picks
  +
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
  +
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
  +
throws the paper over his shoulder.)
  +
  +
  +
THE NEXT DAY
  +
  +
There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
  +
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
  +
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
  +
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
  +
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
  +
little pigs.
  +
  +
GUARD
  +
All right. This one's full. Take it
  +
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
  +
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
Next!
  +
  +
GUARD
  +
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
  +
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
  +
broom in half)
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
  +
Next!
  +
  +
GUARD
  +
Get up! Come on!
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
Twenty pieces.
  +
  +
LITTLE BEAR
  +
(crying) This cage is too small.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
  +
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
  +
Give me another chance!
  +
  +
OLD WOMAN
  +
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh!
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
Next! What have you got?
  +
  +
GIPETTO
  +
This little wooden puppet.
  +
  +
PINOCCHIO
  +
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
  +
nose grows)
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
  +
Take it away.
  +
  +
PINOCCHIO
  +
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
  +
Help me!
  +
  +
Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
  +
to the table.
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
Next! What have you got?
  +
  +
OLD WOMAN
  +
Well, I've got a talking donkey.
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
  +
if you can prove it.
  +
  +
OLD WOMAN
  +
Oh, go ahead, little fella.
  +
  +
Donkey just looks up at her.
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
Well?
  +
  +
OLD WOMAN
  +
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
  +
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
  +
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
  +
  +
  +
OLD WOMAN
  +
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
  +
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
  +
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
  +
you ever saw.
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
Get her out of my sight.
  +
  +
OLD WOMAN
  +
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
  +
  +
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
  +
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
  +
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
  +
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hey! I can fly!
  +
  +
PETER PAN
  +
He can fly!
  +
  +
3 LITTLE PIGS
  +
He can fly!
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
He can talk!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
  +
a flying, talking donkey. You might
  +
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
  +
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
  +
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
  +
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
  +
to the ground.)
  +
  +
He hits the ground with a thud.
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
  +
After him!
  +
  +
GUARDS
  +
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
  +
Turn!
  +
  +
Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
  +
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
  +
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
  +
quickly hides behind Shrek.
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
You there. Ogre!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Aye?
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
  +
to place you both under arrest and transport
  +
you to a designated resettlement facility.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, really? You and what army?
  +
  +
He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
  +
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
  +
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
  +
begins walking back to his cottage.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Can I say something to you? Listen,
  +
you was really, really, really somethin'
  +
back here. Incredible!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
  +
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
  +
around and Donkey is right in front
  +
of him.) Whoa!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
  +
you that you that you was great back
  +
here? Those guards! They thought they
  +
was all of that. Then you showed up,
  +
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
  +
like babes in the woods. That really
  +
made me feel good to see that.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, that's great. Really.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Man, it's good to be free.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
  +
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
  +
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
  +
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
  +
stick with you. You're mean, green,
  +
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
  +
the spit out of anybody that crosses
  +
us.
  +
  +
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
  +
loudly.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
  +
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
  +
work, your breath certainly will get
  +
the job done, 'cause you definitely
  +
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
  +
you breath stinks! You almost burned
  +
the hair outta my nose, just like the
  +
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
  +
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
  +
his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
  +
berries. I had strong gases leaking
  +
out of my butt that day.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Why are you following me?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
  +
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
  +
me, My problems have all gone, There's
  +
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
  +
faith...
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
  +
have any friends.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
  +
cruelly honest.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
  +
me. What am I?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
  +
tall?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
  +
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
  +
bother you?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Nope.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Really?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Really, really.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Man, I like you. What's you name?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Uh, Shrek.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
  +
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
  +
thing. I like that. I respect that,
  +
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
  +
a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
  +
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
  +
in place like that?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
That would be my home.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
  +
You know you are quite a decorator.
  +
It's amazing what you've done with such
  +
a modest budget. I like that boulder.
  +
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
  +
don't entertain much, do you?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I like my privacy.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You know, I do too. That's another thing
  +
we have in common. Like I hate it when
  +
you got somebody in your face. You've
  +
trying to give them a hint, and they
  +
won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
  +
(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Uh, what?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Can I stay with you, please?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(sarcastically) Of course!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Really?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
  +
You don't know what it's like to be
  +
considered a freak. (pause while he
  +
looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
  +
But that's why we gotta stick together.
  +
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Okay! Okay! But one night only.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
  +
a chair.) No! No!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
  +
late, swappin' manly stories, and in
  +
the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Where do, uh, I sleep?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(irritated) Outside!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
  +
I don't know you, and you don't know
  +
me, so I guess outside is best, you
  +
know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
  +
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
  +
like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
  +
born outside. I'll just be sitting by
  +
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
  +
myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
  +
no one here beside me...
  +
  +
SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
  +
  +
Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
  +
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
  +
noise. He stands up with a huff.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
  +
stay outside.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(from the window) I am outside.
  +
  +
There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
  +
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
  +
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
  +
  +
BLIND MOUSE1
  +
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
  +
farm, but what choice do we have?
  +
  +
  +
BLIND MOUSE2
  +
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
  +
  +
  +
GORDO
  +
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
  +
and lands on his shoulder.)
  +
  +
GORDO
  +
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
  +
ear)
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Ow!
  +
  +
GORDO
  +
Blah! Awful stuff.
  +
  +
BLIND MOUSE1
  +
Is that you, Gordo?
  +
  +
GORDO
  +
How did you know?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
  +
you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
  +
from behind and he drops the mice.)
  +
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
  +
with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
  +
no, no. Dead broad off the table.
  +
  +
  +
DWARF
  +
Where are we supposed to put her? The
  +
bed's taken.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Huh?
  +
  +
Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
  +
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
  +
him.
  +
  +
BIG BAD WOLF
  +
What?
  +
  +
TIME LAPSE
  +
  +
Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
  +
him to the front door.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
  +
a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
  +
do get a little privacy? (He opens the
  +
front door to throw the Wolf out and
  +
he sees that all the collected Fairy
  +
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
  +
no. No! No!
  +
  +
The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
  +
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
  +
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
  +
echoes and everyone falls silent.)
  +
  +
  +
Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
  +
tent.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
All right, get out of here. All of you,
  +
move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
  +
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
  +
dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
  +
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
  +
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
  +
look at Donkey)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
  +
them.
  +
  +
PINOCCHIO
  +
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What?
  +
  +
PINOCCHIO
  +
We were forced to come here.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(flabbergasted) By who?
  +
  +
LITTLE PIG
  +
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
  +
and he...signed an eviction notice.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
  +
this Farquaad guy is?
  +
  +
Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh, I do. I know where he is.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Does anyone else know where to find
  +
him? Anyone at all?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Me! Me!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Anyone?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
  +
Me, me!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
  +
tale things. Do not get comfortable.
  +
Your welcome is officially worn out.
  +
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
  +
right now and get you all off my land
  +
and back where you came from! (Pause.
  +
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
  +
You! You're comin' with me.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
All right, that's what I like to hear,
  +
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
  +
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
  +
adventure. I love it!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
  +
with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
  +
on the road again.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What did I say about singing?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Can I whistle?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Can I hum it?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
All right, hum it.
  +
  +
Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.
  +
  +
DULOC - KITCHEN
  +
  +
A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
  +
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
That's enough. He's ready to talk.
  +
  +
  +
The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
  +
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
  +
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
  +
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
  +
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
  +
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
  +
as fast as you can. You can't catch
  +
me. I'm the gingerbread man.
  +
  +
GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
You are a monster.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
  +
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
  +
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
  +
me! Where are the others?
  +
  +
GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
  +
eye.)
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
  +
Now my patience has reached its end!
  +
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
  +
pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
  +
  +
  +
GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
  +
buttons.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
All right then. Who's hiding them?
  +
  +
  +
GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
  +
muffin man?
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
The muffin man?
  +
  +
GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
The muffin man.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
  +
on Drury Lane?
  +
  +
GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
Well, she's married to the muffin man.
  +
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
The muffin man?
  +
  +
GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
The muffin man!
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
She's married to the muffin man.
  +
  +
The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
My lord! We found it.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
  +
it in.
  +
  +
More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
  +
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
  +
Mirror.
  +
  +
GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
(in awe) Ohhhh...
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Magic mirror...
  +
  +
GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
  +
him up and dumps him into a trash can
  +
with a lid.) No!
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
  +
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
  +
of them all?
  +
  +
MIRROR
  +
Well, technically you're not a king.
  +
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
  +
hand mirror and smashes it with his
  +
fist.) You were saying?
  +
  +
MIRROR
  +
What I mean is you're not a king yet.
  +
But you can become one. All you have
  +
to do is marry a princess.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Go on.
  +
  +
MIRROR
  +
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
  +
and relax, my lord, because it's time
  +
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
  +
And here they are! Bachelorette number
  +
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
  +
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
  +
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
  +
include cooking and cleaning for her
  +
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
  +
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
  +
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
  +
the land of fancy. Although she lives
  +
with seven other men, she's not easy.
  +
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
  +
find out what a live wire she is. Come
  +
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
  +
picture of Snow White) And last, but
  +
certainly not last, bachelorette number
  +
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
  +
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
  +
But don't let that cool you off. She's
  +
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
  +
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
  +
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
  +
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
  +
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
  +
number two or bachelorette number three?
  +
  +
  +
GUARDS
  +
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
  +
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Three? One? Three?
  +
  +
THELONIUS
  +
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
  +
three, my lord!
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Okay, okay, uh, number three!
  +
  +
MIRROR
  +
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
  +
Fiona.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
  +
have to do is just find someone who
  +
can go...
  +
  +
MIRROR
  +
But I probably should mention the little
  +
thing that happens at night.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
I'll do it.
  +
  +
MIRROR
  +
Yes, but after sunset...
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
  +
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
  +
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
  +
your finest men. We're going to have
  +
a tournament. (smiles evilly)
  +
  +
DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section
  +
  +
Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
  +
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
But that's it. That's it right there.
  +
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Uh-huh. That's the place.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Do you think maybe he's compensating
  +
for something? (He laughs, but then
  +
groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
  +
He continues walking through the parking
  +
lot.)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
  +
  +
MAN
  +
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
  +
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
  +
screams and begins running through the
  +
rows of rope to get to the front gate
  +
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
  +
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
  +
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
  +
walking straight through the rows. The
  +
attendant runs into a wall and falls
  +
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
  +
continue on into DuLoc.)
  +
  +
DULOC
  +
  +
They look around but all is quiet.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hey, look at this!
  +
  +
Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
  +
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
  +
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
  +
to sing.
  +
  +
WOODEN PEOPLE
  +
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
  +
  +
  +
Here we have some rules
  +
  +
Let us lay them down
  +
  +
Don't make waves, stay in line
  +
  +
And we'll get along fine
  +
  +
DuLoc is perfect place
  +
  +
Please keep off of the grass
  +
  +
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
  +
  +
DuLoc is, DuLoc is
  +
  +
DuLoc is perfect place.
  +
  +
Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
  +
to run over and pull the lever again)
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
  +
No. No. No, no, no! No.
  +
  +
They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Brave knights. You are the best and
  +
brightest in all the land. Today one
  +
of you shall prove himself...
  +
  +
As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
  +
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
All right. You're going the right way
  +
for a smacked bottom.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Sorry about that.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
That champion shall have the honor -
  +
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
  +
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
  +
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
  +
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
  +
the first runner-up will take his place
  +
and so on and so forth. Some of you
  +
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
  +
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
  +
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
  +
that? It's hideous!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
  +
at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
  +
It's just a donkey.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
  +
kills the ogre will be named champion!
  +
Have it him!
  +
  +
MEN
  +
Get him!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
  +
into a table where there are mugs of
  +
beer)
  +
  +
CROWD
  +
Go ahead! Get him!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
  +
settle this over a pint?
  +
  +
CROWD
  +
Kill the beast!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
  +
Come on!
  +
  +
He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
  +
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
  +
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
  +
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
  +
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
  +
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
  +
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
  +
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
  +
to say that Shrek kicks butt.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
  +
  +
Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
  +
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yeah!
  +
  +
A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
  +
and sees him.
  +
  +
WOMAN
  +
The chair! Give him the chair!
  +
  +
Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
  +
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
  +
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
  +
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
  +
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
  +
  +
The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
  +
Shrek.
  +
  +
HEAD GUARD
  +
Shall I give the order, sir?
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
No, I have a better idea. People of
  +
DuLoc, I give you our champion!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What?
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
  +
honor of embarking on a great and noble
  +
quest.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
  +
to get my swamp back.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Your swamp?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
  +
fairy tale creatures!
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
  +
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
  +
I'll give you your swamp back.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Exactly the way it was?
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
And the squatters?
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
As good as gone.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What kind of quest?
  +
  +
Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
  +
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
  +
go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
  +
just so Farquaad will give you back
  +
a swamp which you only don't have because
  +
he filled it full of freaks in the first
  +
place. Is that about right?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
You know, maybe there's a good reason
  +
donkeys shouldn't talk.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
  +
some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
  +
him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
  +
his bones to make your bread, the whole
  +
ogre trip.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
  +
decapitated an entire village and put
  +
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
  +
cut open their spleen and drink their
  +
fluids. Does that sound good to you?
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Uh, no, not really, no.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
For your information, there's a lot
  +
more to ogres than people think.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Example?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
  +
(he holds out his onion)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(sniffs the onion) They stink?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yes - - No!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
They make you cry?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You leave them in the sun, they get
  +
all brown, start sproutin' little white
  +
hairs.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
  +
have layers! Onions have layers. You
  +
get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
  +
a sigh and then walks off)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
  +
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
  +
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
  +
loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I don't care... what everyone likes.
  +
Ogres are not like cakes.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You know what else everybody likes?
  +
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
  +
you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
  +
say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
  +
Parfaits are delicious.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
  +
beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
  +
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
  +
on the whole damn planet.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
You know, I think I preferred your humming.
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
  +
making a mess. Just the word parfait
  +
make me start slobbering.
  +
  +
They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
  +
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
  +
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
  +
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
  +
  +
DRAGON'S KEEP
  +
  +
Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
  +
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
  +
You gotta warn somebody before you just
  +
crack one off. My mouth was open and
  +
everything.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
  +
be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
  +
must be getting close.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
  +
about it's the brimstone. I know what
  +
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
  +
didn't come off no stone neither.
  +
  +
  +
They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
  +
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
  +
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
  +
foreboding.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
  +
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
  +
into a groan)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
  +
ogres have layers?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, aye.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
  +
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
  +
wear our fear right out there on our
  +
sleeves.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You know what I mean.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
  +
about being on a rickety bridge over
  +
a boiling like of lava!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
  +
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
  +
just tackle this thing together one
  +
little baby step at a time.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Really?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Really, really.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Just keep moving. And don't look down.
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
  +
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
  +
look down. (he steps through a rotting
  +
board and ends up looking straight down
  +
into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
  +
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
  +
off, please!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
But you're already halfway.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
But I know that half is safe!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
  +
You go back.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Shrek, no! Wait!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
  +
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
  +
bridge)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Don't do that!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
  +
the bridge again)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Yes, that!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
  +
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
  +
the bridge)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
You said do it! I'm doin' it.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
  +
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
  +
Oh!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
  +
towards the castle)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
  +
pain-in-the-neck anyway?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
  +
(chuckles)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
  +
  +
  +
INSIDE THE CASTLE
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You afraid?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
But...
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Shh.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
  +
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
  +
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
  +
response to an unfamiliar situation.
  +
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
  +
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
  +
and eats knights and breathes fire,
  +
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
  +
if you're a little scared. I sure as
  +
heck ain't no coward. I know that.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
  +
Now go over there and see if you can
  +
find any stairs.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
  +
the princess.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
  +
be up the stairs in the highest room
  +
in the tallest tower.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
What makes you think she'll be there?
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I read it in a book once. (walks off)
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
  +
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
  +
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
  +
won't know which way they're goin'.
  +
(walks off)
  +
  +
EMPTY ROOM
  +
  +
Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
  +
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
  +
the stair master. I've mastered the
  +
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
  +
I'd step all over it.
  +
  +
ELSEWHERE
  +
  +
Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Well, at least we know where the princess
  +
is, but where's the...
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(os) Dragon!
  +
  +
Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
  +
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
  +
breathes fire.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
  +
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
  +
on) Got ya!
  +
  +
The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
  +
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
  +
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
  +
on the floor.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh! Aah! Aah!
  +
  +
Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
  +
part of the bridge he's on.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
  +
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
  +
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
  +
I know you probably hear this all time
  +
from your food, but you must bleach,
  +
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
  +
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
  +
freshness? And you know what else? You're
  +
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
  +
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
  +
You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
  +
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
  +
at him) What's the matter with you?
  +
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
  +
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
  +
but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
  +
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
  +
heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
  +
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
  +
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
  +
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
  +
up with her teeth and carries him off)
  +
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
  +
  +
FIONA'S ROOM
  +
  +
Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
  +
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
  +
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
  +
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
  +
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
  +
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
  +
and shakes her away.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Oh! Oh!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Wake up!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
What?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Are you Princess Fiona?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
  +
rescue me.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
  +
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
  +
romantic moment?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
  +
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
  +
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
You've had a lot of time to plan this,
  +
haven't you?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(smiles) Mm-hmm.
  +
  +
Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
  +
the hallway.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
But we have to savor this moment! You
  +
could recite an epic poem for me. A
  +
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I don't think so.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Can I at least know the name of my champion?
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Uh, Shrek.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
  +
out a handkerchief) I pray that you
  +
take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Thanks!
  +
  +
Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
  +
(takes off running and drags Fiona behind
  +
him.)
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
But this isn't right! You were meant
  +
to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
  +
That's what all the other knights did.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
  +
stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
  +
ignores her and heads for a wooden door
  +
off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
  +
going? The exit's over there.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Well, I have to save my ass.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
What kind of knight are you?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
One of a kind. (opens the door into
  +
the throne room)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
  +
I believe it's healthy to get to know
  +
someone over a long period of time.
  +
Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
  +
worriedly) (we see him up close and
  +
from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
  +
the room) I don't want to rush into
  +
a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
  +
ready for a commitment of, uh, this
  +
- - Magnitude really is the word I'm
  +
looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
  +
is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
  +
are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
  +
back up a little and take this one step
  +
at a time. We really should get to know
  +
each other first as friends or pen pals.
  +
I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
  +
receiving cards - - I'd really love
  +
to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
  +
my tail! That's my personal tail. You're
  +
gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
  +
- - What are you gonna do with that?
  +
Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
  +
No, no, no. No! Oh!
  +
  +
Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
  +
toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
  +
up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.
  +
He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
  +
Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.
  +
Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and
  +
roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
  +
her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
  +
a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
  +
take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
  +
then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hi, Princess!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
It talks!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's
  +
the trick.
  +
  +
They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
  +
a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
  +
crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
  +
eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
  +
off and walks lightly.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh!
  +
  +
Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
  +
take care of the dragon.
  +
  +
Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
  +
castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
  +
chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
  +
is still around the dragons neck.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(echoing) Run!
  +
  +
They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot
  +
pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons
  +
breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
  +
for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
  +
are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
  +
in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to
  +
get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the
  +
dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
  +
quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a
  +
sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You
  +
did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
  +
(behind her Donkey falls down the hill)
  +
You're - - You're wonderful. You're...
  +
(turns and sees Shrek fall down the
  +
hill and bump into Donkey) a little
  +
unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed
  +
is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
  +
eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears
  +
his throat.) And where would a brave
  +
knight be without his noble steed?
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
I hope you heard that. She called me
  +
a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
The battle is won. You may remove your
  +
helmet, good Sir Knight.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Uh, no.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Why not?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I have helmet hair.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Please. I would'st look upon the face
  +
of my rescuer.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
But how will you kiss me?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the
  +
job description.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Maybe it's a perk.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know
  +
how it goes. A princess locked in a
  +
tower and beset by a dragon is rescued
  +
by a brave knight, and then they share
  +
true love's first kiss.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.
  +
Wait. You think that Shrek is you true
  +
love?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Well, yes.
  +
  +
Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You think Shrek is your true love!
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
What is so funny?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:
  +
Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.
  +
Now - - Now remove your helmet.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Look. I really don't think this is a
  +
good idea.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Just take off the helmet.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I'm not going to.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Take it off.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Now!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
  +
(takes off his helmet)
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
You- - You're a- - an ogre.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
  +
all wrong. You're not supposed to be
  +
an ogre.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Princess, I was sent to rescue you by
  +
Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who
  +
wants to marry you.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Then why didn't he come rescue me?
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Good question. You should ask him that
  +
when we get there.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
But I have to be rescued by my true
  +
love, not by some ogre and his- - his
  +
pet.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Well, so much for noble steed.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
You're not making my job any easier.
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
  +
You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he
  +
wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
  +
waiting for him right here.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all
  +
right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.
  +
(he swiftly picks her up and swings
  +
her over his shoulder like she was a
  +
sack of potatoes)
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Ya comin', Donkey?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
I'm right behind ya.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Put me down, or you will suffer the
  +
consequences! This is not dignified!
  +
Put me down!
  +
  +
WOODS
  +
  +
A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
  +
hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Okay, so here's another question. Say
  +
there's a woman that digs you, right,
  +
but you don't really like her that way.
  +
How do you let her down real easy so
  +
her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't
  +
get burned to a crisp and eaten?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
You just tell her she's not your true
  +
love. Everyone knows what happens when
  +
you find your...(Shrek drops her on
  +
the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
  +
DuLoc the better.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You're gonna love it there, Princess.
  +
It's beautiful!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
  +
What's he like?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
  +
of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.
  +
(he and Donkey laugh)
  +
  +
Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
  +
the dust and grime.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
I don't know. There are those who think
  +
little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
  +
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're
  +
just jealous you can never measure up
  +
to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.
  +
But I'll let you do the "measuring"
  +
when you see him tomorrow.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
  +
It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop
  +
to make camp?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No, that'll take longer. We can keep
  +
going.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
But there's robbers in the woods.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
  +
to sound good.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything
  +
we're going to see in this forest.
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
I need to find somewhere to camp now!
  +
  +
  +
Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
  +
  +
  +
MOUNTAIN CLIFF
  +
  +
Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
  +
a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Hey! Over here.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Shrek, we can do better than that. I
  +
don't think this is fit for a princess.
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
  +
a few homey touches.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
  +
a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
  +
who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
  +
good night. (goes into the cave and
  +
puts the bark door up behind her)
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You want me to read you a bedtime story?
  +
I will.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(os) I said good night!
  +
  +
Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
  +
boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
  +
still inside.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Shrek, What are you doing?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,
  +
come on. I was just kidding.
  +
  +
LATER THAT NIGHT
  +
  +
Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
  +
up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
  +
to Donkey.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,
  +
the only ogre to ever spit over three
  +
wheat fields.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
  +
from these stars?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
  +
They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,
  +
the Flatulent. You can guess what he's
  +
famous for.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
I know you're making this up.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No, look. There he is, and there's the
  +
group of hunters running away from his
  +
stench.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little
  +
dots.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
  +
more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
  +
we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Our swamp?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You know, when we're through rescuing
  +
the princess.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's
  +
no "our". There's just me and my swamp.
  +
The first thing I'm gonna do is build
  +
a ten-foot wall around my land.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
  +
deep just now. You know what I think?
  +
I think this whole wall thing is just
  +
a way to keep somebody out.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No, do ya think?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Are you hidin' something?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Never mind, Donkey.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh, this is another one of those onion
  +
things, isn't it?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No, this is one of those drop-it and
  +
leave-it alone things.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Why don't you want to talk about it?
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Why do you want to talk about it?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Why are you blocking?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I'm not blocking.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh, yes, you are.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Donkey, I'm warning you.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Who you trying to keep out?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Everyone! Okay?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
  +
(grins)
  +
  +
At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to
  +
the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
  +
walks over to the edge of the cliff
  +
and sits down)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
What's your problem? What you got against
  +
the whole world anyway?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Look, I'm not the one with the problem,
  +
okay? It's the world that seems to have
  +
a problem with me. People take one look
  +
at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,
  +
stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before
  +
they even know me. That's why I'm better
  +
off alone.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You know what? When we met, I didn't
  +
think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
  +
ogre.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yeah, I know.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small
  +
and Annoying.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
  +
one, right there. That one there?
  +
  +
  +
Fiona puts the door back.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
That's the moon.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh, okay.
  +
  +
DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom
  +
  +
The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
  +
in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic
  +
Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,
  +
show her to me. Show me the princess.
  +
  +
  +
MIRROR
  +
Hmph.
  +
  +
The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
  +
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Ah. Perfect.
  +
  +
Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up
  +
to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly
  +
at her image in the mirror.
  +
  +
MORNING
  +
  +
Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey
  +
who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
  +
across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
  +
with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
  +
to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
  +
big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but
  +
she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona
  +
is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still
  +
sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking
  +
in his sleep.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
  +
it like that. Come on, baby. I said
  +
I like it.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Huh? What?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Wake up.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
What? (stretches and yawns)
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
  +
eggs?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh, good morning, Princess!
  +
  +
Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What's all this about?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
You know, we kind of got off to a bad
  +
start yesterday. I wanted to make it
  +
up to you. I mean, after all, you did
  +
rescue me.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Uh, thanks.
  +
  +
Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead
  +
of us. (walks off)
  +
  +
LATER
  +
  +
They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
  +
forest. Shrek belches.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Shrek!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What? It's a compliment. Better out
  +
than in, I always say. (laughs)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Well, it's no way to behave in front
  +
of a princess.
  +
  +
Fiona belches
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Thanks.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
She's as nasty as you are.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(chuckles) You know, you're not exactly
  +
what I expected.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
  +
before you get to know them.
  +
  +
She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
  +
from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
  +
a tree.
  +
  +
ROBIN HOOD
  +
La liberte! Hey!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Princess!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
  +
  +
  +
ROBIN HOOD
  +
Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
  +
And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses
  +
up her arm while Fiona pulls back in
  +
disgust)...beast.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Hey! That's my princess! Go find you
  +
own!
  +
  +
ROBIN HOOD
  +
Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a
  +
little busy here?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't
  +
know who you think you are!
  +
  +
ROBIN HOOD
  +
Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
  +
let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
  +
(laughs)
  +
  +
Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
  +
from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
  +
  +
MERRY MEN
  +
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
  +
  +
ROBIN HOOD
  +
I steal from the rich and give to the
  +
needy.
  +
  +
MERRY MEN
  +
He takes a wee percentage,
  +
  +
ROBIN HOOD
  +
But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty
  +
damsels, man, I'm good.
  +
  +
MERRY MEN
  +
What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
  +
  +
ROBIN HOOD
  +
Break it down. I like an honest fight
  +
and a saucy little maid...
  +
  +
MERRY MEN
  +
What he's basically saying is he likes
  +
to get...
  +
  +
ROBIN HOOD
  +
Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush
  +
grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
  +
  +
  +
MERRY MEN
  +
That's bad.
  +
  +
ROBIN HOOD
  +
When a beauty's with a beast it makes
  +
me awfully mad.
  +
  +
MERRY MEN
  +
He's mad, he's really, really mad.
  +
  +
  +
ROBIN HOOD
  +
I'll take my blade and ram it through
  +
your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
  +
'cause I'm about to start...
  +
  +
There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and
  +
knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Man, that was annoying!
  +
  +
Shrek looks at her in admiration.
  +
  +
MERRY MAN
  +
Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at
  +
Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
  +
  +
  +
The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to
  +
get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
  +
  +
  +
Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and
  +
then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
  +
a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in
  +
mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,
  +
and Fiona begins walking away.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Uh, shall we?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins
  +
walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,
  +
whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
  +
from?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
What?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
That! Back there. That was amazing!
  +
Where did you learn that?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,
  +
uh, one has to learn these things in
  +
case there's a...(gasps and points)
  +
there's an arrow in your butt!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
  +
look at that? (he goes to pull it out
  +
but flinches because it's tender)
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so
  +
sorry.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(walking up) Why? What's wrong?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Shrek's hurt.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,
  +
Shrek's gonna die.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Donkey, I'm okay.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm
  +
too young for you to die. Keep you legs
  +
elevated. Turn your head and cough.
  +
Does anyone know the Heimlich?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help
  +
Shrek, run into the woods and find me
  +
a blue flower with red thorns.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on
  +
it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die
  +
Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay
  +
away from the light!
  +
  +
SHREK & FIONA
  +
Donkey!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
  +
(runs off)
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What are the flowers for?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(like it's obvious) For getting rid
  +
of Donkey.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Ah.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Now you hold still, and I'll yank this
  +
thing out. (gives the arrow a little
  +
pull)
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
  +
yankin'.
  +
  +
As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and
  +
Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No, it's tender.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Now, hold on.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What you're doing is the opposite of
  +
help.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Don't move.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Look, time out.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his
  +
hand over her face to stop her from
  +
getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
  +
you propose we do?
  +
  +
ELSEWHERE
  +
  +
Donkey is still looking for the special flower.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,
  +
red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
  +
This would be so much easier if I wasn't
  +
color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(os) Ow!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a
  +
flower off a nearby bush that just happens
  +
to be a blue flower with red thorns)
  +
  +
  +
THE FOREST PATH
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Ow! Not good.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
  +
(Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just
  +
about...
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall
  +
over with Fiona on top of him)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Ahem.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing
  +
happend. We were just, uh - -
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
  +
you had to do was ask. Okay?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, come on! That's the last thing on
  +
my mind. The princess here was just-
  +
- (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he
  +
turns to look at Fiona who holds up
  +
the arrow with a smile) Ow!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
  +
That's...is that blood?
  +
  +
Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue
  +
on their way.
  +
  +
There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.
  +
Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
  +
small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as
  +
Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
  +
into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting
  +
and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb
  +
that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
  +
around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins
  +
eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.
  +
Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
  +
it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
  +
it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
  +
arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
  +
  +
WINDMILL
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
There it is, Princess. Your future awaits
  +
you.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
That's DuLoc?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks
  +
Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,
  +
which I think means he has a really...(Shrek
  +
steps on his hoof) Ow!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move
  +
on.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried
  +
about Donkey.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
I mean, look at him. He doesn't look
  +
so good.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
What are you talking about? I'm fine.
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(kneels to look him in the eyes) That's
  +
what they always say, and then next
  +
thing you know, you're on your back.
  +
(pause) Dead.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
You know, she's right. You look awful.
  +
Do you want to sit down?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
I didn't want to say nothin', but I
  +
got this twinge in my neck, and when
  +
I turn my head like this, look, (turns
  +
his neck in a very sharp way until his
  +
head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
I'll get the firewood.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't
  +
feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
  +
I don't have any toes! I think I need
  +
a hug.
  +
  +
SUNSET
  +
  +
Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
  +
Fiona eats.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
  +
What is this?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Well, they're also great in stews. Now,
  +
I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean
  +
weed rat stew. (chuckles)
  +
  +
Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
I guess I'll be dining a little differently
  +
tomorrow night.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp
  +
sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff
  +
for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare
  +
- - you name it.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(smiles) I'd like that.
  +
  +
They smiles at each other.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Um, Princess?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Yes, Shrek?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)
  +
Are you gonna eat that?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?
  +
Just look at that sunset.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's
  +
late. I-It's very late.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on
  +
here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't
  +
you?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
  +
You know, I'd better go inside.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
  +
be afraid of the dark, too, until -
  +
- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of
  +
the dark.
  +
  +
Shrek sighs
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Good night.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Good night.
  +
  +
Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks
  +
at Shrek with a new eye.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on
  +
here.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, what are you talkin' about?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm
  +
an animal, and I got instincts. And
  +
I know you two were diggin' on each
  +
other. I could feel it.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
You're crazy. I'm just bringing her
  +
back to Farquaad.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
  +
the pheromones. Just go on in and tell
  +
her how you feel.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,
  +
even if I did tell her that, well, you
  +
know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause
  +
I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm
  +
- -
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
An ogre?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yeah. An ogre.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hey, where you goin'?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
To get... move firewood. (sighs)
  +
  +
Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
  +
is.
  +
  +
TIME LAPSE
  +
  +
Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is
  +
nowhere to be seen.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,
  +
where are you? Princess?
  +
  +
Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing
  +
no games.
  +
  +
Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't
  +
look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking
  +
out.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Aah!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Oh, no!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
No, help!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Shh!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
No, it's okay. It's okay.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
What did you do with the princess?
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Donkey, I'm the princess.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Aah!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
It's me, in this body.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to
  +
her stomach) Can you hear me?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Donkey!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(still aimed at her stomach) Listen,
  +
keep breathing! I'll get you out of
  +
there!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
No!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Shh.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Shrek!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
This is me.
  +
  +
Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets
  +
down.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Princess? What happened to you? You're,
  +
uh, uh, uh, different.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
I'm ugly, okay?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
  +
'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a
  +
bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.
  +
Now - -
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
No. I - - I've been this way as long
  +
as I can remember.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
What do you mean? Look, I ain't never
  +
seen you like this before.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
It only happens when sun goes down.
  +
"By night one way, by day another. This
  +
shall be the norm... until you find
  +
true love's first kiss... and then take
  +
love's true form."
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know
  +
you wrote poetry.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
  +
girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every
  +
night I become this. This horrible,
  +
ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
  +
to await the day my true love would
  +
rescue me. That's why I have to marry
  +
Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun
  +
sets and he sees me like this. (begins
  +
to cry)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
All right, all right. Calm down. Look,
  +
it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.
  +
Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
  +
But you only look like this at night.
  +
Shrek's ugly 24-7.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this
  +
is not how a princess is meant to look.
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry
  +
Farquaad?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
I have to. Only my true love's kiss
  +
can break the spell.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
But, you know, um, you're kind of an
  +
orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a
  +
lot in common.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Shrek?
  +
  +
OUTSIDE
  +
  +
Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his
  +
hand.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's
  +
it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
  +
for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower
  +
and thought of you because it's pretty
  +
and - - well, I don't really like it,
  +
but I thought you might like it 'cause
  +
you're pretty. But I like you anyway.
  +
I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.
  +
Okay, here we go.
  +
  +
He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
  +
and Fiona talking.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(os) I can't just marry whoever I want.
  +
Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,
  +
really, who can ever love a beast so
  +
hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"
  +
don't go together. That's why I can't
  +
stay here with Shrek.
  +
  +
Shrek steps back in shock.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(os) My only chance to live happily
  +
ever after is to marry my true love.
  +
  +
  +
Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
  +
away.
  +
  +
INSIDE
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how
  +
it has to be. It's the only way to break
  +
the spell.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
No! You can't breathe a word. No one
  +
must ever know.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
What's the point of being able to talk
  +
if you gotta keep secrets?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Promise you won't tell. Promise!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
All right, all right. I won't tell him.
  +
But you should. (goes outside) I just
  +
know before this is over, I'm gonna
  +
need a whole lot of serious therapy.
  +
Look at my eye twitchin'.
  +
  +
Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks
  +
down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
  +
inside the windmill.
  +
  +
MORNING
  +
  +
Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still
  +
awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,
  +
I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly
  +
runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!
  +
Shrek, there's something I want...(she
  +
looks and sees the rising sun, and as
  +
the sun crests the sky she turns back
  +
into a human.)
  +
  +
Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards
  +
her.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Shrek. Are you all right?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Perfect! Never been better.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
I - - I don't - - There's something
  +
I have to tell you.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
You don't have to tell me anything,
  +
Princess. I heard enough last night.
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
You heard what I said?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Every word.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
I thought you'd understand.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who
  +
could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
But I thought that wouldn't matter to
  +
you.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at
  +
him in shock. He looks past her and
  +
spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
  +
on time. Princess, I've brought you
  +
a little something.
  +
  +
Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal
  +
sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only
  +
like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
  +
march by.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots
  +
the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
  +
Couldn't have been the donkey.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Princess Fiona.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
As promised. Now hand it over.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece
  +
of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared
  +
out, as agreed. Take it and go before
  +
I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)
  +
Forgive me, Princess, for startling
  +
you, but you startled me, for I have
  +
never seen such a radiant beauty before.
  +
I'm Lord Farquaad.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad
  +
snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,
  +
for I was just saying a short... (Watches
  +
as Farquaad is lifted off his horse
  +
and set down in front of her. He comes
  +
to her waist.) farewell.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have
  +
to waste good manners on the ogre. It's
  +
not like it has feelings.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
No, you're right. It doesn't.
  +
  +
Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
  +
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless
  +
Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
  +
Will you be the perfect bride for the
  +
perfect groom?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would
  +
make - -
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
(interrupting) Excellent! I'll start
  +
the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get
  +
married today before the sun sets.
  +
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.
  +
The sooner, the better. There's so much
  +
to do! There's the caterer, the cake,
  +
the band, the guest list. Captain, round
  +
up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona
  +
on the back of his horse)
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Fare-thee-well, ogre.
  +
  +
Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches
  +
them go.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting
  +
her get away.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yeah? So what?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Shrek, there's something about her you
  +
don't know. Look, I talked to her last
  +
night, She's - -
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I know you talked to her last night.
  +
You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if
  +
you two are such good friends, why don't
  +
you follow her home?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I told you, didn't I? You're not coming
  +
home with me. I live alone! My swamp!
  +
Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
  +
Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,
  +
talking donkeys!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
But I thought - -
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
  +
(stomps off)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Shrek.
  +
  +
Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona
  +
being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running
  +
into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner
  +
alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
  +
  +
SHREK'S HOME
  +
  +
Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes
  +
outside to investigate.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues
  +
with what he's doing.) What are you
  +
doing?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
I would think, of all people, you would
  +
recognize a wall when you see one.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed
  +
to go around my swamp, not through it.
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
It is around your half. See that's your
  +
half, and this is my half.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh! Your half. Hmm.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.
  +
I did half the work. I get half the
  +
booty. Now hand me that big old rock,
  +
the one that looks like your head.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Back off!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
No, you back off.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
This is my swamp!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Our swamp.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(grabs the tree branch Donkey is working
  +
with) Let go, Donkey!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You let go.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Stubborn jackass!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Smelly ogre.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
  +
away)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through
  +
with you yet.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Well, I'm through with you.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,
  +
"Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now
  +
it's my turn! So you just shut up and
  +
pay attention! You are mean to me. You
  +
insult me and you don't appreciate anything
  +
that I do! You're always pushing me
  +
around or pushing me away.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so
  +
bad, how come you came back?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Because that's what friends do! They
  +
forgive each other!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive
  +
you... for stabbin' me in the back!
  +
(goes into the outhouse and slams the
  +
door)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,
  +
onion boy, you're afraid of your own
  +
feelings.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(os) Go away!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
There you are , doing it again just
  +
like you did to Fiona. All she ever
  +
do was like you, maybe even love you.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a
  +
hideous creature. I heard the two of
  +
you talking.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
She wasn't talkin' about you. She was
  +
talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(opens the door and comes out) She wasn't
  +
talking about me? Well, then who was
  +
she talking about?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
  +
You don't wanna listen to me. Right?
  +
Right?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Donkey!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
No!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)
  +
I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
  +
stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Right. Friends?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Friends.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
  +
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
What are you asking me for? Why don't
  +
you just go ask her?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
The wedding! We'll never make it in
  +
time.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's
  +
a will, there's a way and I have a way.
  +
(whistles)
  +
  +
Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so
  +
they can climb on.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Donkey?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
  +
  +
  +
They both laugh.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a
  +
noogie)
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
All right, all right. Don't get all
  +
slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
  +
right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't
  +
had a chance to install the seat belts
  +
yet.
  +
  +
They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.
  +
  +
DULOC - CHURCH
  +
  +
Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.
  +
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
  +
  +
  +
PRIEST
  +
People of DuLoc, we gather here today
  +
to bear witness to the union....
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(eyeing the setting sun) Um-
  +
  +
PRIEST
  +
...of our new king...
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
  +
to the "I do's"?
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
(chuckles and then motions to the priest
  +
to indulge Fiona) Go on.
  +
  +
COURTYARD
  +
  +
Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with
  +
a boom. The guards all take off running.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.
  +
If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
  +
that? (she nods and goes after the guards)
  +
Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
  +
wanna do this right, don't you?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(at the Church door) What are you talking
  +
about?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
There's a line you gotta wait for. The
  +
preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or
  +
forever hold your peace." That's when
  +
you say, "I object!"
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I don't have time for this!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
  +
to me! Look, you love this woman, don't
  +
you?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yes.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
You wanna hold her?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yes.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Please her?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Yes!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(singing James Brown style) Then you
  +
got to, got to try a little tenderness.
  +
(normal) The chicks love that romantic
  +
crap!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
All right! Cut it out. When does this
  +
guy say the line?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
We gotta check it out.
  +
  +
INSIDE CHURCH
  +
  +
As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the
  +
windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
  +
  +
PRIEST
  +
And so, by the power vested in me...
  +
  +
  +
Outside
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
What do you see?
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
The whole town's in there.
  +
  +
Inside
  +
  +
PRIEST
  +
I now pronounce you husband and wife...
  +
  +
  +
Outside
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
They're at the altar.
  +
  +
Inside
  +
  +
PRIEST
  +
...king and queen.
  +
  +
Outside
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Oh, for the love of Pete!
  +
  +
He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
  +
  +
  +
INSIDE CHURCH
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(running toward the alter) I object!
  +
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Shrek?
  +
  +
The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Oh, now what does he want?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(to congregation as he reaches the front
  +
of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'
  +
a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first
  +
of all. Very clean.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
What are you doing here?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Really, it's rude enough being alive
  +
when no one wants you, but showing up
  +
uninvited to a wedding...
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Fiona! I need to talk to you.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little
  +
late for that, so if you'll excuse me
  +
- -
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
But you can't marry him.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
And why not?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Because- - Because he's just marring
  +
you so he can be king.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
He's not your true love.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
And what do you know about true love?
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
  +
in love with the princess! Oh, good
  +
Lord. (laughs)
  +
  +
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
  +
whole congregation laughs.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
An ogre and a princess!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Shrek, is this true?
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,
  +
my love, we're but a kiss away from
  +
our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
  +
(puckers his lips and leans toward her,
  +
but she pulls back.)
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(looking at the setting sun) "By night
  +
one way, by day another." (to Shrek)
  +
I wanted to show you before.
  +
  +
She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.
  +
She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
  +
smiles)
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
  +
I order you to get that out of my sight
  +
now! Get them! Get them both!
  +
  +
The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
  +
them.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No, no!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Shrek!
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
  +
marriage is binding, and that makes
  +
me king! See? See?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
No, let go of me! Shrek!
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
No!
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
Don't just stand there, you morons.
  +
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
I'll make you regret the day we met.
  +
I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
  +
beg for death to save you!
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
No, Shrek!
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
(hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And
  +
as for you, my wife...
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Fiona!
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
I'll have you locked back in that tower
  +
for the rest of your days! I'm king!
  +
  +
  +
Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.
  +
  +
FARQUAAD
  +
I will have order! I will have perfection!
  +
I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon
  +
show up and the dragon leans down and
  +
eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
  +
here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
  +
(The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on
  +
the edge!
  +
  +
The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
  +
and falls to the ground.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Celebrity marriages. They never last,
  +
do they?
  +
  +
The congregation cheers.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
Go ahead, Shrek.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Uh, Fiona?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Yes, Shrek?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
I - - I love you.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
Really?
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
Really, really.
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(smiles) I love you too.
  +
  +
Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
  +
'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
  +
  +
  +
CONGREGATION
  +
Aawww!
  +
  +
Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted
  +
up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
  +
her.
  +
  +
WHISPERS
  +
"Until you find true love's first kiss
  +
and then take love's true form. Take
  +
love's true form. Take love's true form."
  +
  +
  +
Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell
  +
and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
(going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
  +
you all right?
  +
  +
FIONA
  +
(standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,
  +
yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed
  +
to be beautiful.
  +
  +
SHREK
  +
But you ARE beautiful.
  +
  +
They smile at each other.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(chuckles) I was hoping this would be
  +
a happy ending.
  +
  +
Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...
  +
  +
THE SWAMP
  +
  +
...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm
  +
a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek
  +
and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
  +
carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet
  +
which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end
  +
up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet
  +
instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now
  +
has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona
  +
walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over
  +
singing the song.
  +
  +
GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
God bless us, every one.
  +
  +
DONKEY
  +
(as he's done singing and we fade to
  +
black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't
  +
breathe. I can't breathe.
  +
  +
THE END
 
| image=Cover4.jpg
  
| image=Cover4.jpg
 
| alias= Vincent(Lord Everglot)
  
| alias= Vincent(Lord Everglot)
Line 18: Line 3,692:
 
Family
  
Family
 
| enemies=Barkus Bittern
  
| enemies=Barkus Bittern
−
| actor=Johnny Depp
 +
| actor=
−
| appearances=Corpse Bride|residence = Van Dort Residence
 +
| appearances=|residence =
−
|occupation = Husband|Actor = Johnny Depp}}Victor is a timid young man caught in an ass.
+
|occupation = |Actor = Johnny Depp}}Victor is a timid young man caught in an ass.
   
 
==Friends and family==
  
==Friends and family==

Revision as of 21:34, 18 April 2019

Victor is a timid young man caught in an ass.

Friends and family

  • Mrs. Nell Van Dort - Mother
  • Mr. William Van Dort - Father
  • Scraps - Pet dog
  • Emily - Former wife
  • Victoria Van Dort - Wife
  • Mayhew - Carriage Driver
  • The undead - Friends
  • Mac Van Dort - Brother-in-law

Gallery

Trivia

  • This was Johnny Depp's first animated role.
    • Victor comes from a rich family that owns a fish cannery, like his character Barnabas in Dark Shadows.
  • Victor is a talented pianist, described by having it shown twice (Before he met Victoria before the wedding rehearsal and during when he and Emily have a piano showdown)
  • Victor is also an artist, he is shown to have a design for drawing a butterfly earlier in the film.
  • It is unknown what happens to his parents at the end, because his coachman, Mayhew died as they were searching for him.
  • Victor resembles the adult version of Vincent Malloy in the original short.
  • Victor was in the land of the dead for two days.
  • Victor met Emily once when she was alive.
  • Victor's pet butterfly was likely Emily in bug form.
  • It's unknown if Victor's parents saw Emily turn into butterflies. But they likely did based on the time it takes to get to the church.

References

External links

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